*Thomas and Marceline walk through the bustling marketplace of the Candy Kingdom. Thomas looks around in wonder and confusion at all the talking vendors.*

**Thomas:** "So... that hot dog is actually selling itself?"

**Marceline:** "Yeah, that's Hot Dog Guy. He's been doing this for years. Don't think about it too hard."

**Hot Dog Guy:** "Hot dogs! Fresh hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!"

**Thomas:** "But... isn't that cannibalism?"

**Marceline:** "Welcome to Ooo logic, dude."

*They approach Choose Goose's stand*

**Choose Goose:** "Choose Goose has the juice that's loose! What can Choose Goose produce for you?"

**Thomas:** "Did... did he just rhyme everything he said?"

**Marceline:** "That's his thing. He literally can't stop rhyming. It's both impressive and annoying."

**Choose Goose:** "Perhaps some fruit that's oh so cute? Or maybe bread that's never dead?"

**Thomas:** "I... what? How is bread supposed to be dead in the first place?"

**Marceline:** "Just nod and pick something. Trust me."

*Thomas points randomly at some apples*

**Thomas:** "Those... those red round things?"

**Choose Goose:** "Apples red, straight from the bed of apple trees that aim to please!"

**Thomas:** "He's giving me a headache."

**Marceline:** "You get used to it. Here, let me handle this."

*She floats over to Choose Goose*

**Marceline:** "Yo Goose, hook us up with some apples and maybe some of that fancy bread."

**Choose Goose:** "For Marceline, the Vampire Queen! The finest goods I've ever seen!"

*Choose Goose packages up their items*

**Thomas:** "How much do we owe?"

**Choose Goose:** "No charge for friends so large! Your first trip's free as you can see!"

**Thomas:** "Free? But that doesn't make business sense..."

**Marceline:** "Another Ooo thing. Sometimes vendors just give stuff away because they like you. Don't question it."

*They walk away from Choose Goose's stand*

**Thomas:** "In Vug, merchants were much more... predictable."

**Marceline:** "Predictable is overrated. Where's the fun in that?"

*They pass by Tree Trunks' stand*

**Tree Trunks:** "Well hey there, sugar! Y'all want some of my famous pie?"

**Thomas:** "An elephant... baking pies... and calling me sugar..."

**Marceline:** "That's Tree Trunks. She's actually really sweet, but she's got some... interesting stories."

**Tree Trunks:** "Oh my stars, who's this handsome young man?"

**Thomas:** "I'm Thomas, ma'am. I'm... new to the area."

**Tree Trunks:** "Well ain't you just precious! Here, take a slice of my apple pie, on the house!"

*She hands Thomas a slice of pie*

**Thomas:** "Thank you, but I couldn't possibly—"

**Marceline:** "Take it. Refusing Tree Trunks' pie is basically a crime in Ooo."

*Thomas takes a bite*

**Thomas:** "This is... actually incredible. How does an elephant even—"

**Marceline:** "Don't question it. That's like the first rule of living in Ooo."

*They continue walking*

**Thomas:** "So let me get this straight. A talking hot dog sells itself, a rhyming goose gives away merchandise for free, and an elephant makes perfect pies."

**Marceline:** "And that's just a normal Tuesday. Wait until you meet Lemongrab."

**Thomas:** "Do I want to know?"

**Marceline:** "Probably not. But you will eventually."

*A candy person bumps into Thomas*

**Candy Person:** "Oh! Sorry mister! I didn't see you there!"

**Thomas:** "No problem at all— wait, are you made of actual candy?"

**Candy Person:** "Yep! Princess Bubblegum made me! I'm Peppermint Guy!"

**Thomas:** "Made you? Like... created you?"

**Peppermint Guy:** "Uh-huh! From candy and science and love!"

*Peppermint Guy walks away happily*

**Thomas:** "Marceline, I think I need to sit down."

**Marceline:** "Culture shock hitting you hard?"

**Thomas:** "In Vug, the strangest thing we had was a three-legged dog. Here, literally everything defies logic."

**Marceline:** "That's what makes it fun! Plus, you're immortal now. You've got plenty of time to get used to the weirdness."

**Thomas:** "I suppose that's one way to look at it."

**Marceline:** "Come on, let's head home. I think you've had enough 'Ooo logic' for one day."

**Thomas:** "Home... yeah, that sounds good."

*As they walk back toward Marceline's cave, Thomas looks back at the marketplace*

**Thomas:** "You know what? It is pretty amazing, even if I don't understand it."

**Marceline:** "Now you're getting it. Welcome to Ooo, Thomas."

**Thomas:** "Thanks for showing me around. Even if my brain hurts a little."

**Marceline:** "That's normal. Jake still gets confused by Choose Goose, and he's been here his whole life."

*They both laugh as they head home*

**Thomas:** "At least I'm not the only one."

*Thomas is sitting peacefully on the ledge outside Marceline's cave, playing his acoustic guitar and enjoying the view. Suddenly, a blast of ice freezes the ground around him.*

**Ice King:** "AHA! Another princess for my collection!"

*Ice King swoops down on his ice cloud*

**Thomas:** "I'm sorry, what? Princess?"

**Ice King:** "Don't play coy with me, beautiful! Your delicate features, your graceful posture, your musical talents! You're clearly a princess in disguise!"

**Thomas:** "Sir, I think there's been a misunderstanding. I'm Thomas, I'm a man, and I'm definitely not a princess."

**Ice King:** "That's exactly what a princess would say! Come along, my dear!"

*Ice King shoots ice magic, creating a cage around Thomas*

**Thomas:** "This is insane! Marceline! MARCELINE!"

*Marceline floats out of the cave*

**Marceline:** "Ice King, what are you doing here?"

**Ice King:** "Marceline! Look what I found! A new princess! Isn't she lovely?"

**Marceline:** "Simon, that's Thomas. He's a dude. And he's my roommate."

**Ice King:** "Nonsense! Look at that hair! Those cheekbones! That's clearly princess material!"

**Thomas:** "Could someone please explain what's happening?"

**Marceline:** "Ice King has this... thing... where he kidnaps princesses. He's harmless, mostly, but he's also completely delusional."

**Ice King:** "I am not delusional! I have excellent taste in princesses!"

**Thomas:** "But I have a beard!"

**Ice King:** "Some princesses are just more... rugged! It's very trendy!"

**Marceline:** "Simon, let him go. He's not a princess, he's immortal like me, and if you don't release him I'm going to tell Finn and Jake you're bothering people again."

**Ice King:** "Immortal? Really?"

**Thomas:** "Yes! I've been alive for over 1000 years!"

**Ice King:** "Ooh, an ancient princess! Even better! We have so much in common!"

**Thomas:** "That's not what I— HOW IS THAT YOUR TAKEAWAY?!"

*Marceline floats over and easily breaks the ice cage*

**Marceline:** "Simon, go home."

**Ice King:** "But Marceline, she's perfect! We could have tea parties and talk about the old days!"

**Thomas:** "I'm standing right here, and I'm still not a princess!"

**Ice King:** "You know what? You're right. You're too feisty to be a princess. You'd make a terrible addition to my collection."

**Thomas:** "Finally, some sens—"

**Ice King:** "You'd make a much better QUEEN!"

**Thomas:** "WHAT?!"

**Marceline:** "Okay, that's enough."

*Marceline grabs Ice King with her tentacle hair and starts dragging him away*

**Ice King:** "Wait! I haven't even shown her my ice sculptures! Or my fan fiction!"

**Thomas:** "Fan fiction?!"

**Marceline:** "Don't ask. Simon, go bother Tree Trunks or something."

**Ice King:** "Fine! But this isn't over! I'll be back for you, my beautiful immortal queen!"

*Ice King breaks free from Marceline's grip with a blast of ice magic*

**Ice King:** "And I'm taking you with me RIGHT NOW!"

*Before anyone can react, Ice King creates a giant ice hand that grabs Thomas*

**Thomas:** "What the—!"

**Ice King:** "To the Ice Kingdom! We have a wedding to plan!"

*Ice King flies away on his ice cloud, carrying Thomas in the ice cage*

**Marceline:** "SIMON! GET BACK HERE!"

**Thomas:** "HELP! THIS IS NOT HOW I WANTED TO SPEND MY AFTERNOON!"

*Ice King flies toward his castle, talking to Thomas the whole way*

**Ice King:** "Don't worry, my dear! You're going to love the Ice Kingdom! I have the most beautiful castle, and Gunter will be so excited to meet you!"

**Thomas:** "Who's Gunter?! And I'm still not a princess!"

**Ice King:** "Details, details! Soon you'll see how wonderful life can be as Ice Queen!"

**Thomas:** "ICE QUEEN?!"

*They arrive at the Ice Kingdom. Ice King lands and releases Thomas into his castle*

**Ice King:** "Welcome to your new home! Gunter! Come meet our new queen!"

*A penguin waddles up*

**Gunter:** "Wenk!"

**Thomas:** "That's... a penguin."

**Ice King:** "That's Gunter! He's my loyal servant and best friend! Say hello, Gunter!"

**Gunter:** "Wenk wenk!"

**Ice King:** "He says you're even more beautiful than I described!"

**Thomas:** "He said 'wenk.'"

**Ice King:** "I speak fluent penguin. Now! Let me show you around our castle!"

*Ice King begins giving Thomas a tour*

**Ice King:** "This is the dining hall, where we'll have our wedding feast! And over here is the library, where I keep all my Fionna and Cake fan fiction!"

**Thomas:** "Your what now?"

**Ice King:** "Oh, you'll love them! They're about a brave girl named Fionna and her magical cat Cake! I've written over 200 stories!"

**Thomas:** "That's... actually kind of creative, but—"

**Ice King:** "I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND! Most princesses just scream when I try to read to them!"

**Thomas:** "Maybe because you kidnapped them?"

**Ice King:** "Details! Now, this is where we'll have our wedding ceremony!"

*He shows Thomas a elaborate ice altar*

**Thomas:** "Look, Ice King—"

**Ice King:** "Please, call me Simon. Or future husband!"

**Thomas:** "Simon, I can't marry you. I'm not a princess, I'm not a queen, and I'm definitely not interested in marriage right now."

**Ice King:** "Nonsense! Everyone wants to get married! It's the best thing ever!"

**Thomas:** "Have you ever actually been married?"

**Ice King:** "Well... no. But I've read about it! In my fan fiction!"

*Suddenly, they hear voices from outside*

**Finn:** "Ice King! We know Thomas is in there!"

**Jake:** "Yeah! Let him go, you crazy old man!"

**Ice King:** "Oh no! Those meddlesome boys are here to ruin everything!"

**Thomas:** "Those meddlesome boys are my friends!"

**Ice King:** "They're just jealous of our love!"

**Thomas:** "WHAT LOVE?!"

*Finn and Jake burst through the door*

**Finn:** "Thomas! Are you okay?"

**Jake:** "Did he try to marry you yet?"

**Thomas:** "He showed me fan fiction and introduced me to a penguin!"

**Jake:** "Classic Ice King move."

**Ice King:** "You boys can't stop true love!"

**Finn:** "Dude, you literally met him like an hour ago."

**Ice King:** "Love at first sight!"

**Marceline:** "Simon, I'm gonna count to three..."

*Marceline floats in through the window*

**Marceline:** "One..."

**Ice King:** "Marceline! You're just in time for the wedding!"

**Marceline:** "Two..."

**Ice King:** "We haven't picked out flowers yet!"

**Marceline:** "Three."

*Marceline transforms into her demon form*

**Ice King:** "Okay, okay! Maybe we can postpone the wedding!"

**Thomas:** "There is no wedding!"

*Gunter waddles up to Thomas*

**Gunter:** "Wenk?"

**Thomas:** "I'm sorry, Gunter. Your owner is completely insane."

**Gunter:** "Wenk wenk."

**Ice King:** "He says he understands and that you're very wise."

**Thomas:** "Actually... he said something more like 'I know, he's always like this.'"

**Ice King:** "What? How do you—"

**Thomas:** "I'm not an expert, but I know penguin language a bit. We had penguins that visited Vug sometimes."

**Ice King:** "You can understand Gunter?!"

**Gunter:** "Wenk wenk wenk!"

**Thomas:** "He's saying... 'Finally, someone who gets it.'"

**Ice King:** "This is amazing! You really are perfect princess material!"

**Thomas:** "That's still not how this works!"

*Gunter waddles closer to Thomas*

**Gunter:** "Wenk wenk wenk wenk?"

**Thomas:** "He's asking if I'm really going to marry you."

**Gunter:** "Wenk!"

**Thomas:** "And now he's laughing."

**Ice King:** "Gunter never laughs at my romantic plans!"

**Thomas:** "Maybe because this is the first time he could tell someone how ridiculous they are."

**Finn:** "Come on, Thomas. Let's get you out of here."

**Ice King:** "Wait! I didn't even show you the ice sculptures yet!"

*Ice King quickly creates an ice sculpture of himself and Thomas in wedding attire*

**Thomas:** "That's... actually pretty detailed."

**Jake:** "Don't encourage him!"

**Ice King:** "See? You do appreciate art!"

**Thomas:** "I can appreciate art without wanting to marry the artist!"

**Ice King:** "But we have so much in common! We're both old, we both like music, we both have trust issues!"

**Thomas:** "I don't have— okay, maybe I have trust issues, but that's not a basis for marriage!"

**Marceline:** "Simon, let it go. He's not interested."

**Ice King:** "But... but we could be so happy together!"

*For a moment, Ice King looks genuinely sad*

**Thomas:** "Look, Simon... I can see you're lonely. But kidnapping people isn't the way to make friends."

**Ice King:** "But how else am I supposed to meet people?"

**Thomas:** "Maybe... don't start with kidnapping?"

**Finn:** "Yeah! You could try, like, a dating app!"

**Ice King:** "What's a dating app?"

**Jake:** "Never mind that. The point is, there are better ways to meet people."

**Thomas:** "Maybe you could join a club or hobby group?"

**Ice King:** "I do have hobbies! I write fan fiction, I make ice sculptures, I play drums!"

**Thomas:** "Those are actually cool hobbies. You just need to share them with people who want to be there."

**Ice King:** "Really? You think my hobbies are cool?"

**Thomas:** "Well, the ice sculpting is genuinely impressive."

**Ice King:** "Nobody ever compliments my ice sculptures!"

**Marceline:** "Because you usually make them while holding people hostage, Simon."

**Ice King:** "Oh. Right."

*Gunter tugs on Ice King's robe*

**Gunter:** "Wenk wenk wenk!"

**Thomas:** "Gunter says you should let me go and maybe try online dating instead."

**Ice King:** "Online dating? What's that?"

**Thomas:** "Never mind. The point is, Gunter thinks you should let me go and work on yourself."

**Gunter:** "Wenk!"

**Thomas:** "He also says you need to stop reading your fan fiction to kidnapped people."

**Ice King:** "But they're really good stories!"

**Gunter:** "Wenk wenk."

**Thomas:** "Gunter says 'No, they're not.'"

**Ice King:** "Gunter! That's so mean!"

**Thomas:** "Gunter sounds very wise."

**Gunter:** "Wenk!"

**Ice King:** "Fine... I suppose I can let you go. This time."

**Thomas:** "Thank you, Simon. And who knows? Maybe we can be friends someday. Actual friends."

**Ice King:** "Really?"

**Thomas:** "Sure. But no more kidnapping."

**Ice King:** "Deal! But can I at least finish the ice sculpture?"

**Thomas:** "From a distance."

**Ice King:** "Fair enough!"

*As they prepare to leave*

**Ice King:** "Oh! Thomas!"

**Thomas:** "Yes?"

**Ice King:** "If you ever change your mind about the whole marriage thing..."

**Thomas:** "I won't."

**Ice King:** "But if you do!"

**Thomas:** "Goodbye, Simon."

**Ice King:** "I'll write you a friendship song instead!"

*Everyone leaves the Ice Kingdom*

**Finn:** "So how was your first kidnapping experience?"

**Thomas:** "Educational. And slightly traumatic."

**Jake:** "You handled it pretty well for a first-timer."

**Marceline:** "Most people just scream the whole time."

**Thomas:** "I considered it. But the penguin was actually kind of cute."

**Marceline:** "Gunter's the only sane one in that whole castle."

**Thomas:** "Do you think he'll actually leave me alone now?"

**Finn:** "Probably not. But at least now you know what to expect."

**Thomas:** "Great. Something to look forward to."

*In the distance, they can hear Ice King shouting*

**Ice King:** "I'm working on that friendship song! It's called 'Ode to My Immortal Buddy'!"

**Thomas:** "His rhyming really hasn't improved."

**Marceline:** "Nope. But hey, at least he's trying."

**Thomas:** "I suppose that's something."

**Jake:** "Welcome to the club of people who've survived Ice King kidnapping!"

**Thomas:** "Is that a real club?"

**Finn:** "Pretty much everyone in Ooo is a member."

**Thomas:** "This place just keeps getting weirder."

**Marceline:** "You ain't seen nothing yet."

**THE END**