The forest blurred together as I ran, faintly I could hear Mikasa and Levi calling after me, but soon even their voices were a blur as I burst out of the woods and found myself on the outskirts of the training yard.

he can't be

My heart pounded in my chest as Mikasa's words played over and over again in my head.

'he's dead- we buried him yesterday- you- we couldn't find you'

he's dead

he's dead

When my legs finally gave out I found myself in front of a marble headstone, freshly turned dirt under my feet.

he's dead

Tears hot and heavy rolled down my cheek, staining the stone in front of me, I choked back my sobs- remembering the last conversation I had had with him.

did he die disappointed in me?

i never got to tell him why i did it

he never-

My thoughts raced on, the world around me blurring as I collapsed onto the ground in front of the stone.

i had all but given up on saving him

and now

in the same moment that i decided to latch onto hope it has abandoned me

"Y/N?" A familiar voice, Levi's, called out for me.

fuck off

"Can you please just leave me alone?" I sobbed, unable to bring myself to look at him, "that's what you want from me anyway right? To have to talk to me again."

"That isn't-" I could hear him approaching, "I'm sorry."

"Save it," I hissed, "this isn't the time."

"Still I-"

"Are you listening to me? I don't want to hear it- leave me alone. Do what you were talking about and live quietly with your family, forget me- forget that this ever happened- forget all of it."

do whatever you want just leave me alone

you're confusing me

i can't have that

"Is that really what you want?" Levi's voice wavered slightly- holding back.

what are you talking about?

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I whirled around to face him, slightly taken aback by the look of profound sadness in his eyes, "isn't that what you want?"

silence

"I'm making this easy for you," I shook my head at him, "my father just died- I don't want to get into this with you- it doesn't matter what I want."

"It does," Levi insisted, crouching down to my level.

that sounds like a load of bullshit coming from you

"Does it?" I scoffed, "because I think if it really did you wouldn't have ignored me- if it mattered what I wanted we wouldn't even be having this conversation- if it mattered what I wanted my father would be alive."

a week ago i would have believed that you had my best interests at heart

but now

it hurts to look at you

"I'm sorry, are you ok?" Levi's hand hovered as if he was about to reach out to hold me before falling quietly to his side.

that's a stupid question and you know it

"Why the fuck would I be ok?" My eyes lingered on his hand, heart pounding in my chest.

what gives you the right to worry about me after ignoring me for days?

"I can't help but feel like it's my fucking fault," my voice broke as a sob tore its way out of my throat, "I stressed him out by begging for that information and then I just-" the words wouldn't leave my mouth.

i just left

"You-"

"And you know the worst part?" I cut him off sharply, "how excited I was to get back- I thought that I could save him- you made me think that it was possible."

he's dead

"I didn't mean to," Levi looked genuinely distraught, unsure of what to say.

i know you didn't

"Of course not," I nodded, "I need to stop dreaming and face the reality of things- my father is dead and you have been nothing but inconsiderate and rude to me the past few days."

before anything starts im going to give up on you

i just hope it isn't too late

if it is i don't think ill ever be able to forgive you

"So what do you want Levi? I'm not stupid enough to think that after the past few days you've suddenly had a change of heart- what do you want from me?" A look of hurt flashed over his features.

"What kind of person do you think I am?" He raised his voice for a second in defense before pulling away in regret, "I didn't mean to-"

"What do you want?"

"I don't want anything you asshole- I wanted to make sure you were ok."

"I can't believe that."

"Can't or don't want to?" His voice softened, hand reaching out once more to touch mine.

"You can't do that-" I pulled away.

"Are you ok?" He repeated, more confidently this time.

"Of course I'm not ok," my eyes fell back to the ground, "my father died while I was busy worrying about some boy who could care less about me."

"I don't-"

"Shut up," I hissed, "you pushed me off of a fucking balcony Levi Ackerman- I died- I died because of you. By some miracle I got another chance to come back and make everything right and instead I fell in love with my murderer- and now- and now my father is dead because I was too caught up in my own bullshit to worry about him."

Levi stared at me, mouth slightly agape.

"You really thought that I was stupid enough to not realize that you were the one who pushed me?" I scoffed, "I may have been stupid enough to fall in love with you but I'm not an idiot."

Again, Levi was completely silent.

"So? What did you think you would get out of it? What do you want from me?" I choked back my sobs, "for a second there you almost had me fooled- I liked you enough to believe that I was wrong."

but now i know

the minute you got what you wanted-

your body back and a ticket into the forest you dropped me

i just liked you enough to believe that-

that maybe it was temporary

"You-" Levi finally gathered himself enough to speak again, pulling me into a tight hug before I could even react, "you're in love with me?"

"Is that really what you're focusing on?" I attempted to push him away, "you killed me I don-"

"I didn't kill you," he broke the hug for a second, staring at me sincerely.

why-

"Then-"

"I don't even fucking know who pushed you," he paused, "you can hate me for anything you want but I didn't push you, I promise."

"Why- why do I believe you?" I relaxed into his embrace, tears staining his shirt.

"Did you mean it?"

"What?" I buried my face into his shoulder.

"That you're in love with me?"

"Just- forget it-" I shook my head, "I'm still mad at you- you're still an asshole."

"I know," he hesitated, looking down at me, "I'm sorry, I was a fucking idiot- and-"

"And?"

"An asshole."

"Right," I sniffled, "you were awful, I hated you."

"Hated?"

"Please don't make me see it."

"I'll stay here for as long as you want me to," Levi murmured, "you could tell me to leave right now and I would- I can stay until you're sick of me."

"I'm always sick of you."

"Sure," he hummed, "the point is- I'm done running Y/N- for as long as you want me I'm yours."

"And if I never want to let you go?"

"I won't leave."

"You're such an asshole- always pulling me back in when I've finally gathered the will to give up."

"And if this asshole said that he loved you?"

"I would-" I took a deep breath, "I would ask him to stay with me."

"That could be arranged."

"You're supposed to say 'always,'" I shook my head, brushing away the tears, "I think I love you."

"I know I do."

________________

so excited to have finally written this part! it has been floating around in my head for over a year now (also now tht its done i can begin work on some of my other plans for this story)

i feel like you all know this bc . The Killer is still at large but the story is far from over- this is kinda the halfway point <3 

hope u guys enjoyed this chapter & ty for sticking around

- ami