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sad boi hours

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When I first met Harrow, it was at a small garden. I'd accidentally wandered into the King's palace and bumped into his son. We were both young at the time, maybe seven or eight, and we became friends ever since. I'd always admired the way he seemed to be so in control of everything. He grew into a young man with strong and just morals, a natural born leader.

Being the child of the town patisserie, I had many chances to visit him, as Harrow happened to love our desserts. I was friends with the daughter of a peasant, Sarai, whom I introduced to the young prince.

"Sarai, Harrow. Harrow, Sarai." They both waved at each other and smiled, the start of a new friendship. A trio. We were always with each other, whether it be during the day, or sometimes in the night, where we'd sneak off into the fields and watch the fireflies roam.

It was almost inevitable that I began to fall for Harrow. I grew fonder of him every passing day. His charm never failed to make my face flush, and his good looks didn't hurt, either.

But I could never tell him.

I was shy, but at the same time, so, so scared. I was afraid that our built up relationship would fall apart, that our livelihood would disappear. So I kept quiet, not realizing my silence only meant that Sarai and Harrow got closer, not only as friends.

We all went on to live our own lives, with me taking more and more of a responsibility for the bakery. I had no clue what went on with Sarai and Harrow, and I didn't need to. I hadn't even suspected the fact that they might've been together. I didn't need to suspect it, and had no real reason to. They were my friends. How could I not trust my best friends?

But when I felt like I hadn't talked to Harrow in a long time, I'd ring him up. Often, I used a small rat skull Viren gave me to call Harrow using the magic he'd enchanted it with. A purple wall of light popped up, along with the image of Harrow.

"Hey." His smiling face beamed at me from the other side of the projected screen, eyes glinting under the moonlight. "How are you?"

"Good. You?" I quietly chuckled, entertained by his response.

"Not one for words, are you, Harrow?" He grinned wider, if that was possible.

"I prefer actions, not words, if you couldn't tell by my smiling face." I rolled my eyes, nodding. I sat on my bed, near the windowsill, an arm propped up against my cheek. We sat in silence for a few moments as I admired his profile, in a daze.

"(Y/N)?" Harrow said, laughing. "You still there?" I shook out of my trance, embarrassed.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." His voice filled my head as he laughed again, the sound like honey. Butterflies erupted in my stomach as I kept my eyes glued to the screen, capturing his expression. A small giggle slipped past my lips, gazing at him. Once he'd calmed down, Harrow resumed looking at the screen.

"Something bothering you?" he asked sweetly. Shaking my head, the corners of my lips lifted in happiness, a feeling of nostalgia sweeping over me.

"I just..." I let out a breath, staring out my window, at the bright, full moon. "I remember how it was when we were kids. We were all so happy -- you, me, Sarai. We still are, but now I feel like we have our own lives. Sarai's working with her family, I'm in the bakery, you're about to become King. We can't really play in the field anymore, if you know what I'm saying." Harrow hummed, nodding slightly.

"I understand... But I don't really grasp what you're saying about Sarai. She moved out of her home a while ago. She's living with me." My brows furrowed as I looked at Harrow's confused expression.

"What?" Was it because she lived in poor conditions? Maybe Harrow was just giving her a place to stay out of kindness.

"Did I not tell you earlier?"

"Tell me what?" All the butterflies had disappeared, and in their place was a rock. A hefty rock, sitting on the bottom of my gut. A dark feeling had befallen me, and I felt like throwing up. I almost knew what he was going to say next.

"I'm marrying her in June." My mouth opened, then closed. I was at a loss for words.

"Oh." That was all I could say, at that moment.

"Are you surprised?" He looked at me with an expectant grin, eyes sparkling, more brilliant than ever before. I weakly mustered a small smile, giving him a limp thumbs-up.

"Y-Yeah," I stammered, feeling my eyes burn. "Congrats, though." Harrow was about to say more, but I interrupted him, not being able to hold back the flood of tears that almost broke through.

"I-I have to go, it's getting late. See you, Harrow." Setting down the rat skull, the purple screen flashed off, blinking out of sight. My lower lip trembled, sobs raking through my chest as I cried quietly, hands muffling the screams I wanted to let out.

I didn't know, and how foolish I was to think that he'd love a coward. A coward that's afraid to act, but not say.

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There are moments where the words don't reach

I saw Harrow crying at the altar. I saw Sarai in her wedding dress. A lavish gown, sparkles of gold and diamond glinting in the faint lantern-light, her shoes accompanying the dress perfectly. Too perfectly. I sat in the front row, a grin plastered onto my face, holding back tears. I was conflicted as the priest began to utter the vows.

They were my best friends. Yet, I felt so jealous, so toxic at the same time. I loved him. I adored him. But I was willing to suffer for their happiness.

"If anyone has any objections, please speak now or forever hold your peace." My mind shouted at me to raise my hand. Wave it, scream my objections, that I loved Harrow, that I should be with him. A twisted part of me wanted him, and was willing to sacrifice my relationship with Amai for him.

There is suffering too terrible to name

But I bit my lip, letting the silence engulf the room, the couple as happy as can be. The priest nodded, a small smile playing upon his lips as he went back to reading the sermons. I could have ripped my own heart out of my chest, right then and there. But I continued to stay in the facade, seemingly enjoying the wedding.

"You may now kiss the bride." As their lips touched, the church bell rang, and I felt a small piece of my heart break off, disappearing into thin air. I didn't know whether to feel happy for them or disgusted at myself. After the wedding, I bid my farewells and returned home.

And push away the unimaginable

Trudging back miserably, I felt almost nothing. My pupils were nothing more than matte black dots in the middle of my iris. There was no shine, there was no glint. No happiness as tears flowed freely down my pale, rosy cheeks, cries echoing in the empty streets. With every breath I took, my lungs were on fire, the delicate tissue feeling like it was going to break.

My throat closed up, throwing me into a coughing fit until I felt like I could properly breathe again. I collapsed onto my knees, a sobbing wreck.

Pathetic.

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After that, many months after that, Harrow was crowned the King of Katolis. They then had their first son. A small, beautiful baby by the name of Ezran. Sarai had decided to adopt a child, and the royal family was then complete. At that time, I decided that I would finally let Harrow know. I picked up a pen and paper, and started writing, free form, with no drafts, no worries.

Dear King Harrow,

It's (Y/N). We haven't spoken for what seems like very many months. How are you? I hope you're doing well. Sarai seems to be very happy as well. I wish both of you the best in your rule as King and Queen of Katolis.

However, I'm not doing so well myself. There's something that I need to let you know.

When we first met, I was naive. I thought I could simply make friends and have them stay that way forever. I didn't think of obstacles that would come my way. I thought the world was simple, that it was easy to navigate. But it wasn't. It was never easy like that.

Over the years, as we grew, as we aged, as we learned new things, I began to develop feelings for you. Yes, I admit it. I liked you. But Sarai had something I didn't. She had courage. She wasn't a coward, and that made her strong. I can see what you saw in her, for her to be your wife. It was a great decision.

For me, that fateful night, when you told me you'd be marrying her, I was shocked. I didn't know how to process it, so I shut you out. I refused to talk to you because I thought that bearing the pain was too much, and that I'd be happier if I didn't talk to you.

But I didn't realize that my actions would affect the lives of others. By my actions, I showed you that I no longer wanted to be around you, even though I talked about us not being as close anymore. My selfish decisions ended up impacting you and Sarai, and that's something I can't forgive.

And sometimes, it hurts. Everyday, we'd meet up and go around, adventuring around town, going into forests, playing make believe with our wooden swords and tiny shields. We'd fight dragons and build tiny huts in the fields, drinking the brews that I brought along in my run-down backpack.

In the end, I was so blinded by my own passion that I couldn't see the fact that you and Sarai were growing closer. I denied my feelings by silence, something that I could bear, and quickly shut down any romantic emotion I felt towards you. In the end, I failed to see that you fell in love with her, as she did with you. But I was just happy to see you. I was happy to see you happy.

However, I couldn't do anything but watch as I lost the love of my life, and my best friend.

No matter how much I suffered, I smiled because you smiled. You were always able to hold your head up high and smile mindlessly. I adored you, I looked up to you in that way. I told myself that one day, I'll be able to smile by your side.

Yet, that never happened.

I was too engulfed in my own fantasy that I failed to realize that the two friends I cared about the most in this world were growing apart from me. From my own self-absorbed, toxic mindset I thought that if I cut you off, I wouldn't feel the pain, I wouldn't have to be sad anymore.

But I ended up moving the blame to you. Because I was too much of a coward to take it on myself.

So Harrow, if you're reading this. It isn't your fault. It was never your fault to begin with. Please, don't shift the blame onto yourself, or Sarai. If she wants to read this letter, she can. Accept my apology for causing the both of you so much harm. I hope to see you prosper in the distant future, wherever that may be.

Sorry for everything.

-(Y/N)

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I"M CRYING AT MY CLOWNERY

I DID AMAI INSTEAD OF SARAI KYRFDKHFDHFD