he actually isn't stupid it's just the name of the song ok

random angst drabble

Stupid by Brendan McLean

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If you weren't so stupid
I could have loved you

Stifling a giggle, I hid my smile as Soren cracked another joke, cheeks flushing as he saw my creased eyes and dimples peeking out from the uncovered parts of my face. My eyes lit up with amusement, glimmering in the bright light of the outdoors. We were in the woods, on a little adventure, just two kids chilling out and having fun. His small hand was wrapped around a wooden sword, pointing it towards the sky and shouting a chant of victory. I cheered along with him.

And if you weren't so stupid

But you're pretty stupid

As weeks went by, I found myself asking for permission now, from his father, Viren. I was confused, since Soren would always have time to hang out, even without asking. Confused, I knocked on his door, but to no avail. With no response, I trudged out into the hallway, glancing out the window. My jaw fell slack as I saw Soren outside in the pavilion with his wooden sword, standing among the palace guards. I did a double-take just to be sure. He'd always been the type to boast about his heroism, and I pinned him for a swordsman any day of the week.

So maybe that was what he was working on. But Viren said that he didn't have time for me anymore. I didn't think being a guard was that hard.

And if you weren't so busy

I could have loved you

Slowly, days turned into months as empty promises still lingered in my mind, the false words of Viren filling my head. He said that if Soren really wanted to play, he'd ask me himself. Because of this, I began to think. Maybe he didn't really like being around me. I was always the one to knock on Soren's door and invite him into the woods -- it was me who suggested we go around town, exploring the little shops that were set up and visiting the bakery. Did his flushed cheeks and sheepish expressions mean nothing? Were the smiles just hollow, void of emotion? I thought he liked the bread sandwiches I made for him. Maybe they were just too bland.

But he could have told me, right?

Or maybe he really didn't like me after all.

But you work in an office

And you've got other offers

I twirled my pen, unable to gather inspiration for an upcoming assignment I had. Perched upon a rock, I looked at the blue sky and sighed, my mind as blank as a slate. Soren had been missing from my life for a long time. Almost a year now, that I haven't seen him. I remember this was the spot we'd always come to and pretend to fight the pretend-monsters that lurked in the forest. He'd play the knight and I'd just watch him swing his sword around, breaking branches and stomping on random piles of leaves.

Bunches of laughter would rise out of my stomach, genuine howls of joy would serve as a response to his antics. By the end, my core would hurt and I swear we both seemed just a little bit happier. It was a good distraction, a nice stress-reliever for whatever other events were happening in our lives. I still didn't think he was unhappy when we interacted with each other. Or maybe it's just me.

Last week I snuck down to the basement of the castle to meet Crow Lord. He's nice, and helped me on my writing homework. When I get older, I want to be just like him -- carefree and earnest, someone who loves their job. I still didn't know what I wanted to be, but I was sure to figure it out somehow.

I heard that Soren got accepted to the Royal Academy though. Good for him.

Tell me what is his name now,

What is his name?

Like an ephemeral whirlpool, everything just either went down the drain, or ended up in some trashcan. I was busy writing an application for the school I wanted to go to, to serve as one of the King's court members. God, why was everything just so hard for me? It's like I was just cursed with some awful boon, this unfortunate life of mine. Grumbling in frustration, I crumpled up the sheet of paper in front of me and threw it on the ground forcefully. Stepping on it, I rubbed my foot into it, smearing it onto the floor. Heavy huffs puffed through the air as my chest rose and fell, anger overtaking everything.

I wanted to scream. It had been more than five years now, and Soren was just doing better than ever, how could he not? He's on the way to be the King's Crown Guard, he has a loving family, he has this perfect title, and not to mention he also has that stupid perfect face of his. His sister was even doing better than me, on her way to become the next High Mage. The kingdom is prospering, now that a new King's coronation has been completed today.

Clawing at my arms, I so desperately just wanted to escape. In a breathless frenzy, I stormed out of my room, running as fast as I could, tears clouding my vision. Hurrying to the garden, I crawled onto the stone surrounding the fountain and wept harshly for the first time. My lungs felt like giving up on me and my arms were just so weak. Barely able to stand up, I trudged back to my room as the sun set over the bloody horizon.

Better luck tomorrow.

I am excited to hear the news.

"Oh, I am?" My instructor nodded, a gleeful expression dotting her features.

"Opeli has offered to take you under her wing! I knew you could do it." Forcing out a fake laugh, I awkwardly crossed my arms and leaned back on a desk, my teeth tugging on my bottom lip. With my eyebrows furrowed, I began to sweat at the thought of being in the palace. I realized that Opeli lived there, along with the rest of the nobility, but it made me nervous to think that I might run into him again.

It would be weird. He didn't want me as a kid, so why would that change when we're older?

"Thanks."

Tell me what is his name now,

What does it say about you?

Taking a deep breath, I strode towards the towering building in front of me, passing by the guards with a friendly smile. They let me pass upon seeing the small slip I carried with the King's stamp on it. I let out the breath I'd been holding and puffed out my chest, getting more confident as I entered the pavilion. My heart ached, remembering the first time I saw Soren here. He must have graduated from the academy already. Maybe he was already Crown Guard. Did that mean he would be in the courtroom with me?

Thoughts raked through my mind as I entered the large wooden doors, following the instructions the letter told me, in order to go to the throne room. Turning left, then right again, paintings and valuable items were placed everywhere, a grand red carpet lining the stone and marble floor. Just like I remembered it to be.

Finally, I arrived in the hallway leading to the fated room. I felt like crying again. Did I want to be here? Had I already changed my mind about being one of the King's council members? Was I even fit to be one? I'm dumb, so why did Opeli request for me specifically? Shaking off my thoughts, I slowly made my way forwards before being stopped by a guard with a helmet on.

"Only permitted guests are allowed to be in the throne room while a meeting is taking place." I showed the masked figure the admission letter, but he only shook his head and crossed his spear over the door.

"I need a name, or confirmation by one of the members of the council."

"But they're in a meeting, I can't interrupt-" I protested, but was cut off by the guard, his voice breaking through my meek one like a hot knife through butter.

"I need a name, then."

"(Y/N) (L/N), specifically requested by Opeli," I stated firmly, eyebrows furrowing, beginning to grow annoyed. This was an apprenticeship, how could this guy not know that? I spotted something glint on his armor -- a badge. Wasn't that the badge for the Head Crown Guard? Before I could put two-and-two together, the figure in front of me breathed a question:

"(Y/N)?" I looked up, and my pupils dilated in absolute horror.

"Soren."

But let's not

Be friends

"Wait, what are you doing here?" he asked, voice spiking in curiosity, "How are you here?" My gaze turned cold, my chest hurting at the mere thought of him just happening to see me again. He didn't want me here, I knew it.

"So am I just not invited here anymore because you're royalty now?" I spat, glaring at him. "Or were you always on your little high horse?" Soren looked taken aback, retracting. His grip loosened on his spear, letting the tip rest on the oak wood door.

"What?- (Y/N) what are you talking about?" My heart squeezed at his broken expression, blue eyes filled with confusion and clouded. They almost appeared stormy gray, in some way. He was just acting like this to get sympathy, don't get it twisted. You think he'd actually be happy to see you now? As some reject from an institute you wanted to get into? While he was living his dream as a noble, as someone sworn to protect the King? Why in the world would he want to get affiliated with scum like you?

Or else this'll never end

"I'm sick of just pretending, Soren! We haven't seen each other in what, ten years? Now you're pretending like you want to see me? Just admit that you don't like me and I can finally be content with it!"

"What do you mean?" he protested, "You're the one who didn't want to see me!" I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

"Please, don't get it wrong here. When I knocked at your door, you weren't there. You were busy, and you had no time for me! What was I supposed to do while you went to the Royal Academy? Sit there and wait for you like some distressed crybaby? Is that what you wanted?" Our argument got louder, and we managed to duck into one of the side rooms to avoid causing trouble for the court.

"(Y/N) where did you get this information from? I'm so confused- I never said that I didn't want you with me! You could have just asked!"

"Yeah, well your dad said that if you did, you would have said so." He crossed his arms, eyes narrowing, mind finally dead set on something.

"Don't try to blame this on my dad. He said that you wanted nothing to do with me when we were younger."

"I didn't!" I shouted, pressing a firm hand against my chest, "I wanted more than anything to see you again! You were happy training, you were happy pursuing what you loved and I was just stuck with a stupid story and a stupid fairy tale idea that everything would work out, that one day you'd ask for me again!

"And then I cried, and then I'd yell, then go brood some more, and everything fell to shit!" My breathing pattern was ragged and my knees almost gave away, if I hadn't been holding onto the wall. Soren let the room fill with deafening silence, thinking about his next words.

"I didn't- I didn't know."

"Yeah, of course, with your perfect life-"

"Well you think I wasn't affected by the split? In the academy, I didn't have any friends, I couldn't see my family, I didn't have anybody to cheer me on. And you abandoning me was the hardest part about it! You just disappeared one day, and you think it's bad for you? Just that one time I couldn't see you meant that our friendship had disappeared forever? Is that what it means, (Y/N)?" His eyes were blown wide in disbelief and hurt. I winced, my heart heavy.

Was it too late to undo the damage? Maybe it wasn't his fault, just mine.

Sigh.

It was always me anyways.

"Look, Soren I-" I stopped at the sight of tears glistening in his eyes, covering the blue tint of his irises with a film of water. When Soren blinked, droplets raced down his cheeks, dripping onto his chin. They splattered on the floor as a stream connected from the corners of his eyes to the curve of his chin. He wasn't done.

"It felt so lonely. With Clauds learning magic with Dad, and with you gone, it was just me and some guards, and other kids who eventually just became regular guards-in-training at another camp. I was so confused and worried about you. All these years, when I asked about you, Dad would just say that you didn't care anymore, that you'd disappeared for a no-good reason." He sniffed, bringing a hand to wipe away the water on his face.

"I can understand that you're mad about me not reaching out to you, and maybe it might've been dumb of me to not sneak out maybe once or twice, but the fact that you're lying so blatantly about my dad? That's so random and just disgusting! How could you do that?" The word hit me like a ton of bricks.

"I'm not lying- Soren, just-" He shook his head, eyebrows furrowed, the tears dried up already.

"Why are we even talking about this? I gotta get back to guard duty."

"Soren, wait!" He stopped, looking back at me with semi-hopeful eyes, the area of the whites surrounding his irises just a bit bigger. I drew in a lungful of air, trying to maintain eye contact with him, but failing miserably, looking away at the last second.

"I'm sorry. It was just a big misunderstanding."

Let's not

Be friends

The blonde paused for a moment, trying to recollect everything. Finally, he just shook his head.

"Let's pretend this never happened, (Y/N). I'm sorry you had to hear and see that." Grabbing onto his wrist, I lunged at the attempt to make him stop. Instead of hearing and seeing my actions like I'd hoped, Soren just yanked his hand away, turning a cold shoulder.

"Stop it, (Y/N). This conversation is over. Just have fun being an apprentice, okay?" He opened the door to let me out of the side room, then closed it behind him, resuming his original position just in time, as the council meeting ended. Soren slipped his helmet back onto his head and looked straight forwards, not even daring to peek at me.

My face contained no emotion as I rushed inside to meet Opeli, the sound of the large wooden doors closing sending shivers down my spine -- a literal divide between Soren and I.

So it finally ended.

For sure, for sure