Now I'm running away, my dear

From myself and the truth I fear

My heart is beating, I can't see clear

How I'm wishing that you were here

[Avicii, Sandro Cavazza - Without You]

***

A day before Joong and Dunk's universes collided...

In Joong's universe.

"Joong Archen... fuck, what is he doing here?! Oh God, there is a fucking Code Blue's situation right now!"

(Code blue usually means that someone is experiencing a life threatening medical emergency. It often means cardiac arrest, when the heart stops, or respiratory arrest, when breathing stops.)

A man in his thirties, running as fast as he can to one of the biggest nightclubs in town, still wearing his doctor's robe and Crocs-like sandals, screams into his phone. He knows the person on the other end is much older than him, but the situation prevents him from remaining composed and considering politeness.

That man's name is Khaotung Thanawat.

There is a very emergency situation in their hospital. Yes, his and Joong's. That fucking Joong Archen is his fellow Cardiothoracic Surgeon who he is humbly acknowledge is way smarter and brighter than him. Just moments ago, a patient with diabetes mellitus was rushed into their hospital and his heart almost failed if someone didn't open up his chest and do something to his dying heart. The surgery was very risky because of the patient's congenital disease. One wrong move, the patient will be dead in his hands. Sadly, Khaotung didn't have the experience to do such a very big and risky surgery. But Joong once did it before, he successfully did it. He knew exactly how to handle this kind of situation and that brilliant and smart doctor is Missing in Action!

Someone might lose his life right now if he can't bring Joong Archen to the surgery room in thirty minutes. So Khaotung, with all his might, as Joong's coworker and also his friend, is searching for him all around the town in the past twenty minutes with his car.

His bodyguard who is now on call with him told him that his master was in a biggest nightclub in the town called Vermithor which luckily is only three blocks away from their hospital. Khaotung was flying himself to that damned nightclub as fast as possible. He couldn't let his residents or the nurses to search for Joong's whereabouts from that kind of place. Joong has some kind of image he must maintain. He is a doctor, after all.

"What was he doing there? He promised Dunk he won't go back to his old life again."

Khaotung is already in front of the club, and the security guard at the front door is looking at him with confusion. They probably have never seen a doctor still wearing his scrubs and wanting to enter the club.

And why the fuck this place is so crowded tonight?! Khaotung rarely curses but he wants to do that right now.

There are so many people in this club; he should be reminded that it is only midweek. It is not even the weekend yet.

"Hey Sirs, are there some kind of big events happening inside now?"

Khaotung asks the security guard who currently checks on him, about the unusual activity of this nightclub because Joong's bodyguard doesn't reply to him again.

"There is an Avicii's tribute night. You must have your reservation to get inside-"

Khaotung slips a large sum of money to the security guard, and in a heartbeat, they let Khaotung inside. Khaotung speaks again on his phone.

"Is Joong a fan of Avicii?"

The bodyguard's husky voice can be heard again in the middle of the loud noise from his and Khaotung's surroundings. Now the DJ is playing one of Avicii's biggest hits, it's called Levels and the crowds roar their souls responding to that familiar music. Well, Khaotung himself is not a fan of EDM, but one of his ex liked Avicii's music so he knows. He never knew his pal, Joong Archen, is also a fan of the Swedish Artist.

"No, but Dunk was."

Oh.

The name still pains Khaotung, and Khaotung is only a casual friend of his coworker's boyfriend.

Khaotung shakes the memory of the late Dunk Natachai for a while to search for his fellow surgeon; they are still in a very emergency situation.

He meets Joong's bodyguard first.

It's been so long since Khaotung sees a bodyguard around Joong Archen, if he is remembering right, the last time Joong's parents sent this kind of man to protect slash monitor Joong Archen was when they were all only high-schoolers. When Joong Archen's hobby was punching men here and there. You know what, Dunk Natachai was one of his victims back then. Before that amazing man changed his bully into a tame and possessive boyfriend.

"He didn't consume such a thing again... Right?"

It's the first thing Khaotung wants to confirm because, if Joong ever touched that thing again, he would ruin the last fifteen years he built with Dunk Natachai.

"No, he doesn't." The tall and bulky bodyguard speaks again. And then he looks down and sighs. "He comes here because... he is broken-hearted."

"What do you mean?"

The bodyguard only directs his gaze toward the man in the middle of the crowd on the first floor, looking all empty to... what does he look at? He looks at nothing.

Khaotung moves closer to the heartbroken man, leaving the bodyguard on the second floor to watch his master from a safe distance. When Khaotung is only a few bodies away from Joong Archen, the foreign DJ changes the song; another familiar tune begins to play. Khaotung sees how Joong's body reacts when he hears this song.

His eyes show him nothing but grief.

You said that we would always be

Without you I feel lost at sea

Through the darkness you'd hide with me

Like the wind we'd be wild and free

It's a song called Without You.

And Khaotung can guess that Joong has his own memorabilia with this song. He can see it right when he sees Joong clenches his hand into his left chest while singing the song. No, he is screaming the song's lyrics with an attitude as if he wants to scream every word of the song to someone.

You said you'd follow me anywhere

But your eyes

Tell me you won't be there

"I GOT TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE WITHOUT YOU!!!

I got to carry my cross WITHOUT YOU!!!

Stuck in a riddle and I'm just about to

FIGURE IT OUT WITHOUT YOU!!!!"

Seeing Joong frantically singing this song in the crowd is making Khaotung's heart ache. He looks so desperate, so much in pain, and as if he is done with his life. He looks so pitiful. Khaotung never saw this side of Joong Archen before.

Back in his dark days at school, everyone trembled at the mention of his name. Joong Archen was feared by many, including Khaotung Thanawat, his senior at the time. Khaotung knew better than to mess with him. Joong had the physique, intelligence, looks, and powerful family background; he was that intimidating and he almost never smiled.

Only Dunk Natachai was unafraid of him.

Now, that powerful man looks pitiful and lost.

His singing attracts so much attention that the surrounding crowd initially gives him sideways glances before moving to give the grieving singer some space.

Now it's only Joong in the middle of the crowd singing his heart out to this song...

"And I'm done sitting home WITHOUT YOU!!!

FUCK, I'M GOING OUT WITHOUT YOU!!!!

I'm going to tear this city down WITHOUT YOU!!!

I'm going Bonnie and Clyde WITHOUT YOU!!!"

Joong Archen...

Just how much Dunk's death broke his soul until he looks like this.

Joong Archen, after his dark age, was still a confident, slightly cocky, and brilliant man. He never let himself be seen as weak or broken. But the man before him is merely... a living corpse.

Khaotung comes to the center of the attention and taps the shoulder of the man who is trying his best not to cry while still singing to the song.

Joong finally looks back and his eyes are so bloody red.

"Joong."

Khaotung knows, even though he brings Joong to the hospital right now, he isn't in a condition to be able to perform such a surgery. Frankly speaking, after that surgery, Joong never performed any other surgery again.

Khaotung kind of understands the reason why.

Joong's last surgery was also Dunk's last day of breathing to this world.

The last heart that Joong touched above the surgery's table was... his boyfriend's dying heart that stopped beating after ten hours of fighting his life.

Joong almost never failed to perform a cardiothoracic surgery, he was that brilliant, rumour was, he had magical hands. It was also the main reason why he was allowed to perform such a surgery for someone so close to him. But life was so tragic... the only time he failed was when he opened his dying boyfriend's chest.

His boyfriend, Dunk Natachai, is the sole reason why Joong became a doctor for the first time. The person who brought back Joong Archen from the darkness.

And Joong Archen's only hope and light in this world.

And he failed him, which cost both of them Dunk Natachai's precious life.

Upon seeing Khaotung's face, Joong's eyes change. There is a firm rejection there.

"No."

But Khaotung must try, it's his duty as a doctor. And that's the most important thing right now.

"It's code blue, Joong. A patient with diabetes mellitus and a weak heartbeat is in critical condition. You have experience with similar cases; only you can perform this surgery. Please... can you try to help the patient?"

The music stops as if the DJ knows something wrong is happening in his crowd. Someone who is still in his doctor's attire comes close to someone who previously sings as if the world will end today. Now everything is dead silent and so many eyes land on them.

Joong is also silent, his eyes show emptiness but his jaw tightens. At heart, he is still a doctor. And a doctor has a duty to save people...

Khaotung knows that in Joong's heart, there is still something left in him that wants to save the dying patient. But...

Khaotung must push him.

"I know you are still grieving, but it's more than a month already. Life goes on, Joong..."

But it seems like Khaotung hits the wrong button because right after he says that, Joong's eyes change from nothingness to... an utter pain.

"What do you know about grief?"

He raises his voice, and many people sense the tension between the man in scrubs and the man who seems to be in pain even while breathing.

"Joong, what happened to Dunk was not your fault-"

BUGGGG

Khaotung falls, and blood from inside his mouth splatters on the floor. Joong had just punched him in the face. The man in the doctor's robe looks up in shock. He never expected Joong to hit him.

And that man's eyes darken and Khaotung feels like he sees a glimpse of Joong Archen in his teenage days is back. The man who could really kill someone if Dunk Natachai hadn't come to his life.

"Dunk once said to me that I should become a doctor because a doctor won't hurt people again, a doctor will heal people. But he is gone, he left me, and I was the one who killed him. So tell me, Khaotung Thanawat... What do you know about my grief?"

No, Khaotung doesn't know anything at all.

What happens in Joong's life right now is beyond repair.

He is broken, his soul is crushed into pieces and becomes nothing but ash, and he is once again lost in a place called life.

Who can save him this time?

Khaotung, still on the floor, feels like his phone is ringing from his pocket. He reaches for his buzzing phone to see a call from his nurse.

"Doctor, the patient has passed away."

...

The nurse declares that with great sadness and she speaks loud enough in this deadly silent situation till Joong Archen can hear that. He hears that loud and clear.

And after hearing that, Joong Archen only looks at his coworker, his best friend, his pal that shares the same struggle and story behind the name of a doctor, once. Before he walks away from him and from the nightclub where he feels alive for the last time when he hears that song called 'Without You' that was once Dunk Natachai's favourite's song.

And when Khaotung hears about him again in less than 24 hours, he hears that Joong Archen comes to the hospital in his best suit and he gives something in a white envelope to the President Director's of their hospital.

It's his resignation letter.

***

"Here, your present."

Today is 10th March and today is Joong Archen's 25th birthday.

His boyfriend of five years approached him, smiling and carrying a green velvet box of presents. He was wearing a baby blue shirt that made him look much cuter.

"What is it? Why is it so small?"

He pouted his lips and hissed.

"Why do you always judge something by its size?"

Joong smirked and threw a nasty look to his boyfriend while catching his slim waist. "Well, you must judge something by its size, I think I teach you very well all this time. Especially... in bed."

Dunk looked boringly at him. "Joong." He said in a warning tone.

"Ok. Ok, my love. Let's open what you give to me as my birthday present."

Joong opened the green velvet box while still holding Dunk's body close. He expected to see a ring or something; oh, right, they didn't have a couple's rings. He should buy some next time.

But when he opened it, he saw a card. Not a credit card or black card, obviously-Joong was far richer than Dunk. It was almost impossible for his boyfriend to give that kind of gift.

The card was an apartment key card.

"Babe?"

"Want to move in with me?"

Dunk asked with a smile plastered on his beautiful face, his smile was too blinding till Joong couldn't move for almost two minutes.

"You bought an apartment for us?"

Dunk nodded and his smile was getting bigger as if it's one of his accomplishments.

"Well, my salary isn't that big to buy an apartment in cash. I'm only an ordinary journalist. But this is your quarter-life birthday present, and I want to congratulate you on graduating last year, so I managed to get a mortgage-JOONG!!!"

Joong was kissing his boyfriend like there was no tomorrow for them that day.

Dunk would never know how Joong felt that night when he learned that his boyfriend bought a place for them to call it as their home. A place where two people, co-habitat with each other, share each other's lives and stories.

It really felt like Dunk Natachai just proposed to him to get married.

And it was so big till Joong couldn't remember any other day when he was that happy.

It was the happiest day of his life.

Then they shared almost ten years together in that small place called home.

Joong with his money power could buy a better place for them to live, but, it was the place that Dunk bought for them. It was forever their special place just from that reason alone. And Joong learned something new again after living together in that cramped but warm house with Dunk Natachai...

That a home was never a place, it's a person.

He remembered his letter to his life partner on Dunk's last birthday together with him. It cracked his heart open when he read it again one day in their bedroom after Dunk had gone. His lover put Joong's letter on his bedside table, so close to him, so dear to him.

"To have you with me in our own space is very reassuring, Dunk. I'm glad that I live this life with you. Thank you for always being with me, saving me countless times, choosing me though I didn't deserve it, and loving me in a way that makes me realize that I must become a good person so I can accept your love for me. I hope we can always be together in our safest and comfort place, we call it by the name... home, for a long time."

A long time.

How Joong wishes that forever is not only a fairytale.

With a body that he can't feel anything anymore, Joong drags his body and his life to go back to the place where he shared his life with the person that saved him, the person that loved him, the person that chose him no matter what.

The place that he called as... home.

When he reaches the front part of his apartment's building, he stops because he knows someone tails him from behind.

"You can go back." He speaks to the bodyguard whom he knows his parents send. "I won't go anywhere again tonight."

The bodyguard whose face is so familiar because he was also the same bodyguard from his younger days, only looks at him with a sorrowful look.

"Tonight, I'm just going home."

And with that, Joong moves his lifeless body again and leaves the bodyguard alone.

He doesn't know anything about grief, but, Dunk Natachai teaches him something new again. As he always did. Joong learns that griefing is a rotten place in the deepest and darkest place in your heart that tries to succumb to your life till you can't feel anything... yes, no pain, no regret, nothing.

Joong can't feel anything.

He can't even feel his own breath.

Is he living or not?

What is the difference between him and the deceased?

What is the difference between him... and Dunk Natachai?

On a walk to their apartment unit, Joong remembers about his dream last night. He was dreaming of Dunk Natachai. Maybe because he called his soul when he screamed that Avicii song in the nightclub, Dunk heard it and he was coming to him.

He dreamt of laying down in their bed with him again, doing nothing but gaze into each other's eyes with a desperate yearning for each other. In his dream he saw that Dunk looked at him as if he was asking why they must be separated. And it hurt so bad until tears dropped from Joong's eyes.

Then he asked, with so much pain he bore in his heart, he asked...

"Why did you leave me?"

It was because of me.

He left me because I couldn't save him. I let him down.

I let him die...

Joong stops in front of the front door of their apartment, long enough until, if someone from the building management sees it from the hallway CCTV, they will rush to check what happened to this person. But Joong can't move, he can only hang his head low while crying his heart out again.

"Joong! Don't use your dirty shoes inside. I hate it."

Then he remembers how Dunk used to nag at him about his habit of using shoes from outside in their home. Like an autopilot, his unmoved body can only move to remove his shoes, because he remembers how Dunk hated it.

Dunk...

Dunk Natachai...

Joong is crying even harder when he remembers everything about him.

In his hand, there is a card key that Dunk gave to him in that green velvet box.

Joong holds it so tight until he doesn't realize that he breaks the card.

The card key splits it into two pieces.

And after that... something weird is happening.

The door is opening by itself.

And he feels like there is some force that makes him finally able to move and to step into the place that is still looking all the same as how it should be. And then...

He sees Dunk Natachai there.

CLANGGG

The stairs and lamp in his hands are falling and crashing into the floor making a loud noise in this silent night.

Joong looks at him with great shockness.

Is he seeing ghosts right now?

But then... he feels his heart beating again.

He feels something again after a long and dark night.

As if it's telling him that what he sees right now, is real.

Dunk, who looks so real and so human, looks back at him with the same amount of shock. And then he moves and he almost falls if it's not because of Joong who quickly grabs him. The pain in his bare feet... is there, but it doesn't matter. What matters the most right now is...

The ghost of Dunk Natachai is back to him.

He touches him now, he can look into his eyes now.

And he looks at those beautiful eyes long enough till it rips open his chest out. Until he cries again and again, unstoppable.

He can't even hear what Dunk says to him, but his auditory capability returns when he can hear his own mouth asking...

"Dunk, did I miss you that much till I can see the ghost of you now?"

Right after he says that Joong realizes something...

That the ghost of Dunk Natachai will also leave him. He worked in a hospital and he witnessed so many deaths and he was also familiar with the saying that the dead's soul will linger in this world for forty days before eventually ascending forever from this living world.

Today is forty days after Dunk Natachai's death...

He will go again soon.

No, Joong won't let it happen.

If it does happen again...

Take me with you.

"Why does it need forty days for you to show yourself in front of me again? I can't let you go again this time, Dunk Natachai. I can't live without you in this world. Why must I be the one who is being left alone? I don't want it, Dunk.

Please... please take me with you."

And Joong Archen never thought that right after he said those words... a whole new world is opened to him. Craziest one. Their realities are so messed up and tragic until both of them search for another living soul version of their lover, in another universe.

In front of him, is not his Dunk Natachai.

But someone who looks exactly like him, from another's universe.

And this Dunk Natachai, is so different yet so familiar with his Dunk Natachai.

He still can't accept this madness, this is totally crazy and unexplainable. As much as he longs for Dunk, this is very crazy. He still can accept if he is seeing his ghost or something rather than seeing a Dunk Natachai from another universe.

Does a parallel universe really do exist?

Whatever it is, Joong thinks that when the sun comes up again tomorrow morning, everything will come back to his usual lonely life without the presence of Dunk Natachai. So he might think this as a chance from the universe to let him not be alone for the last time. It will be better if the ghost of his lover who sits next to him in their home right now, but he can't bargain for something he doesn't know how that can happen.

So he thinks of this chance as his final chance of saying goodbye to his lover.

As well as, to himself.

Because he doesn't know how long he can still breathe in this world without Dunk Natachai in it. He might have ended it tomorrow, who knows?

In the dead of the night, right after Joong and Dunk from another universe sharing a story of their deceased lovers. Joong learned something that griefing together is better than griefing alone. He feels so connected with this stranger with the face of his lover. He can understand him as well as he can understand how sorrowful Joong's life is right now.

He really feels like he is not all alone anymore.

Dunk, is this your new way to save me?

The more he talks with this stranger, the more Joong's love for his past lover grows even bigger. Because he just knows, whatever the madness that is happening right now, he knows that his Dunk will do his part to make this happen.

Perhaps, his Dunk and this man's Joong are seeing each other in heaven?

Why does Joong feel jealous of his version from another universe?

The dead meet the dead, so the living meet the living?

"It was nice talking to you."

Dunk Natachai hums; they end up not sleeping at all. "It's easy to talk to you. You're a stranger, but you don't taste like one."

Frankly speaking, Joong feels the same way too.

There is something, there is some force that makes him feel so comfortable with this Dunk. Even though he is fully aware that he is so different from his Dunk.

"Compared to my Dunk, you are quite talkative. My Dunk is so quiet and reserved."

This Dunk laughs. "Compared to my Joong, you are more childish and annoying. My Joong is so mature."

"Hey! I was complimenting you, why are you insulting me?"

This Dunk looks at him and his eyes are laughing. Joong stops to see how beautiful his eyes are. "This, this. I never had this kind of stupid yelling argument with my Joong and we've been together for ten years. I'm only talking with you through the night and we raise our voices several times already."

Oh, Joong can't accept this.

"Ten years? Huh! I've been with my Dunk since highschool. It's probably more than fifteen years! I won!"

Joong doesn't know but interacting with this Dunk makes him want to keep talking, as if talking stupid things like this can fill the void in his heart.

But then this Dunk's eyes softened and he smiles. "Both of us have been with our lovers for so long. It's good to know that Joong and I, in another universe, also love each other so deeply, it seems like our loves are timeless."

That's right.

Now to think about it again...

"Hey, Dunk from another universe. Can you tell me how Joong died in your universe?"

It feels weird to say his own name in a sentence. For real.

"He died from a car accident."

Same.

My Dunk also died from the same thing.

"Can you elaborate more?"

Dunk looks confused, but he opens his small mouth to tell Joong more. "That day, he lent his car to a friend, so he used my car to go to the office. It was my birthday, so I had the day off to visit my family. We promised to see each other that night after his work to celebrate my birthday and our anniversary. But..." Dunk looks like he chokes on his own words.

"I understand." Joong stops him from saying things that will hurt him. "Did your car also break?"

"Huh? Also?"

"What caused Joong to have a car accident? I one hundred percent believe he didn't drive under influence."

"Of course he wasn't!" Dunk shoots a glare at him, he doesn't like his lover to be accused like that. Dunk calms himself for some moments before he is able to tell Joong the details of his past lover's death.

Joong pities how he keeps stopping himself before he is finally able to comprehend some words. But Joong needs to hear this. He wants to know. At the end, Dunk says everything.

"The police report said that my car's brakes were broken, and Joong, the driver, did not realize this until it was too late. A pedestrian crossed the road; it was night, and Joong missed seeing them. I don't know why. Joong would have stopped the car if he had wanted to avoid hitting them. But since the brakes were broken, he turned the wheel, causing his high-velocity car to hit a roadblock and surrounding trees. The hit between his chest and the steering wheel was causing the most fatal blow, but the broken car glass that pierced his body also caused him to lose consciousness quickly. His internal organs, such as his heart and lungs, were severely damaged by the impact. However, what caused him to die in the ambulance was.... excessive blood loss."

Dunk trembles after he says the details of his lover's death and Joong feels bad for asking that. But he isn't in the situation to think about it at the moment, because... because he feels the eerily goosebumps.

The details of Joong's death were almost the same as his Dunk's death.

Except his Dunk was using his own car, not Joong's.

And his Dunk was able to go as far as surgery's room but his Joong couldn't.

Wait a moment...

Basically both Joong and Dunk's death in two different universes were happening in Dunk's car, caused by the same reason. It was due to the broken machine, the brake didn't work, and there was a pedestrian who crossed the road whom they couldn't see from afar.

What is it?

"What? Why is your face so pale?" Dunk is definitely confused because Joong hasn't told the details of his Dunk's death. But right when Joong wants to open his mouth to share it... he sees Dunk's body start to disappear.

Joong looks behind him and sees the sun beginning to rise.

"Oh, Joong, you are slowly disappearing..."

Dunk says to him, it looks like both of them see the same thing.

Will they go back to their own universe when the sun goes up? Will they never see each other again? No, Joong can't let it end like this.

He opens his mouth at the same time as Dunk. They are both talking, but Joong can no longer hear him. And when the sun's first rays of a new day appear, in the blink of an eye, Dunk Natachai is gone.

Leaving Joong all alone again.

It should be like that.

Joong kind of predicts that they will go back to their own universe and he prepares it all night when talking with him.

But their last conversation... It opens something that Joong wasn't able to think thoroughly due to the sudden loss of his boyfriend, due to his regret of not being able to save him in the surgery room, due to his grief of losing someone.

Grief can cloud something too.

It clouds the ability to think clearly.

Joong rests his back on his sofa as he talks to himself.

"Is Dunk's death really... an accident?"

To be continued

[Fun Fact from Chapter 3. Without You]

Dunk's in Joong's universe profession is a journalist and he has known Joong since highschool days, Joong was a bully to him. He had a more quiet and reserved personality than Dunk's in the first universe, but he loved EDM music. Dunk in the first universe has a more talkative and whiny personality, but his favourite's music is Mandarin Ballad.

***

I'm telling the truth when I said that this story is not only about angst. There are so many things in this story and I feel so happy to write a chapter in a PoV way just like how I wrote Deep and Abiding. So, what do you think about Joong's PoV this time? Is this chapter okay?

The first three chapters (plus one one shot - Gulf of Alaska) are only the prologue of this story.

The next chapter we will read how the story goes on from Joong and Dunk's new cross-universe arrangement! Hope you can patiently wait for the further chapters. And by the way this story has so many foreshadowing because I love writing in that way hahaha, so it must be great if you put attention to detail on this story, especially the song used. It contains so many spoiler of the on going chapter and also the further chapter.

by the way you know song that was being used in this chapter, right? please don't let me feel like I'm an oldies to use this song in this story hahaha it's a great song, listen to it to understand how joong *scream* the lyric, though it's EDM the lyric is so sad, I love the way EDM song can be used to heart wrenching moment through its lyric, Avicii is genius. Without You is the perfect song to portrait Joong yearning, frustration, regret and grief over Dunk's death in his universe.

Ok, Till next time! Stay healthy for all of us~

Wonder what song will I use for the next chapter....

find me on twitter : @ jeinace