"l¡es, l¡es and l¡es... and fuck¡ng l¡es"

warning: triggering

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jungkook's pov

taehyung left the house an hour earlier than he should've. i warned him yoongi might think he's too obsessive (although i'm sure he already does), but he ignored me as usual. when it comes to yoongi, he's worse than ever.

though it's not like i'm one to talk.

sighing, i got up from my bed and took a shower. jimin said he's coming today. i asked taehyung first if he was okay with it and he sure as hell was. he didn't even forget to throw me a box of condoms before leaving.

"better safe than preggy," he said.

i stared at him for a few seconds when the words came out of his mouth. i debated with myself whether or not to tell him boys actually don't get pregnant, but decided it would be better for him to find out himself. i can't believe he's such a pervert and he doesn't even know this shit. or was he just kidding? i don't know. no one ever knows with kim fucking taehyung.

just as i was about to use the hair dryer, the doorbell rang and i immediately got on my feet, almost tripping on the way to the door.

"hi, kookie." i swear i felt my heart skip a beat when he finally called me that name again.

"shit," i said, louder than i intended to.

he chuckled. oh, god. that voice. lord, why do i have to suffer like this?

his beautiful lips stretched into a smile. but i also couldn't help but notice his eyes turned into moonlike crescents. one of my favourite things about him.

the only thing that gave me a bad feeling is the fact that he had bags under his eyes. he tried his best to cover it with make-up, i could tell. but i knew his faceㅡespecially his eyesㅡall too well.

i wanted to hug him, wanted to touch him so bad, wanted to let him know he wasn't alone no matter what he was going through and that i cared for himㅡmaybe even more than myself. but i knew i couldn't.

because he hated it.

but i still couldn't understand why he would look at me like that when the last time we were this close, it felt as though he was miles away from me. 

"jungkookie," he said. almost like a whine. "aren't you gonna let me in?"

and he fucking pouted. he pouted. no.

i don't need this in my non-existent life. i closed my eyes, took a deep breath and released it, trying to calm myself. i swore he knew his lips were so fucking plump and pink as always and that i wanted nothing but to kiss them.

i let him in and closed the door, trying to ignore the burning of my dancing heart. it all sounds cliché when i think about it, but maybe i just understand my heart more than anyone else's.

because i sure as hell would literally dance in the fire for park jimin even if it meant my death.

and i'm sure he also knew that.

"is that why?"

he turned around to look at me, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and mouth open.

"is that why what, jungkook?"

"do you know how i feel for you?"

***

jimin's pov

come on, jimin. say it. say something. just fucking say something.

"can we sit down?" great, this is the best you got. wow.

"uhm...alright?" jungkook went to the bay window and removed some of the pillows, only leaving at least three. he then took a maroon blanket with coffee cups designed on it from his room. he sat on the window and patted the space next to him.

i felt myself gulp as i forced myself to walk towards him. no, it's not that i didn't want to be with him. it's not that i didn't want to be close to him.

because that's the fucking thing.

there's nothing else in this world that i crave more than being with him and it fucking hurts not to have the person that makes me feel this way because the only thing i'm capable of doing is pushing him away.

***

jungkook's pov

"this is weird, jungkook," jimin said but it didn't seem to me that he was uncomfortable. his body wasn't shaking. he didn't even move at all. i was resting my head on his left shoulder while he played with my fingers.

my fingers are long and my hands are bigger than his. his hands are as adorable as his face, it took my everything not to squeeze his cheeks or kiss him. and as if things couldn't get any better, he'd been singing to me before he paused to say, "this is weird." it was a song i couldn't recognize.

it was unexpected how he just started singing when i had clearly asked him an important question before we even sat down, but i really didn't mind listening to his angelic voice. besides, i figured he might've been trying to calm his nerves.

"what's wrong?" i asked, slightly terrified of what he'd say next. oh, not just slightly. but greatly.

"that's the thing, jungkook. nothing's wrong."

"i don't understand, jimin..." i moved my head away from his shoulder to look at him, but he avoided my gaze.

"then what's so weird?"

"this..." he chose to keep his eyes on our hands. and like the impatient person i am, i pulled them away to get his attention.

"this what?"

"this!" he said a little bit louder than i supposed he had intended. "...i'm sorry."

"we've already been over apologizing, jimin. don't worry, i've made a mistake too. we should both just stㅡ"

"ㅡyou make me happy."

i blinked my eyes a few times.

the words not completely sinking into my brain.

"everything feels so right when i'm with you..." he looked up at me and smiled. "i'm just so happy i had met you."

"why are you talking as if you're saying goodbye?" that probably wasn't what i should've said because once i did, i wiped the smile off his face too.

"i'm just being real for once, jungkook. wasn't this what you wanted? for me to stop lying?"

i kept silent. i wanted to apologize or at least say something, but couldn't find myself doing so.

"have you heard them?"

"who?"

he scoffed at my response and silence enveloped us once again. it took a few seconds before he sighed and continued.

"i know you did. everyone did. the rumours, i mean. it's impossible for someone in our year not to know about what happened."

"what?" i chuckled half-heartedly, trying to figure out if he's kidding or not. "i honestly have no idea what we're talking about right now."

"my first loveㅡor at least i believed i loved him," he chuckled bitterly. "he was the first man to ever acknowledge me and accept me for who i was. we were friends for about a few months. it would've been a year had i not ruined everything. i'm sure you've heard at least a little bit of how the story goes. i told him about my feelings on his birthday. he didn't like me back and started ignoring me. talk about typical failed romance.

i fell in love with him because of how much he understood me and the fact that he actually gave a shit about me. when i did things that i knew would make others upset more than i would make myself, he was the only one i turned to. he didn't stop me. he didn't try to control me. he didn't ridicule me for what i did. not once has he ever been seriously mad at me for being stupid, enough for him to leave me. but that's all before i told him i loved him. though that's really not the point..." he took a deep breath before continuing to talk.

"after a few months of him ignoring me, my friends eventually convinced me to look for other guys and so i did. jungkook, i thought it would make me happy. i thought it would make me forget about him, but it just made him come back to me. he apologized after he saw me going out with different guys almost three different ones each week. it's not 'cause i wanted to be a fucking slut, i never even let any of them touch me more than just kissing me! i just couldn't find anyone that could make me forget about him! he just...he was just so different and i knew i had to get him out of my mind. but he came back and everything fell into their places yet again. he made me feel complete and incomplete at the same time."

he looked me in the eyes as the next words came out.

"have you ever felt that way?"

yes, i do. i love you, i wanted to say, but again couldn't find myself uttering a word. i simply nodded. why would he ask when he already knows?

"it's that harsh reality where the person you love is just right there in front of you and you feel like no one and nothing's holding you back from loving them, but you also know that the only thing that's keeping you from doing so is them. because they don't love you back. and even if they do, they don't love you as much as you love them. and you love them more than yourself. you'd do almost anything and maybe everything for them. sometimes, you even find yourself thinking of dying for them. it's sicker than a mere addiction. it's sicker than some stupid love or obsession. it's more fucked-up than any words can even describe and anyone can even fathom."

"jimin..."

"they told me i'm insane, jungkook. i knew i was and i still am. and it's fucking scary."

"i don't understand...he came back, then why didn't you welcome him?"

"because he had someone else."

"jimin, that doesn't make any sense. he was still your friend before anything happened! how could he lie to you like that?"

"he didn't mean to..." jimin covered his face with his hands and his words came out muffled. "he told me he had a girlfriend. someone he loved before he even met me. she's the reason why he rejected me. he loved her. but even though he developed feelings for me in time, he couldn't leave her.

she was ill, mentally ill and has been since she was a kid. she was abused at a young age and ended up in a mental hospital. he met the man i loved because his dad worked at this place. they've known each other since they were children. she wasn't in any way terrible. people with mental illness are in no way terrible. it's not their fault they are like that.

and i knew it's really not her fault yoongi couldn't leave her. i knew that. and i hated myself for despising her either way. she deserved to be happy and he was making her happy. but i couldn't accept that. i just couldn't."

"yoongi..?"

"i spouted so many hateful things at her, jungkook. i made her life more miserable than it already was! i destroyed her completely, jungkook! i ruined her and i ruined him!"

i stayed in silence as realization hit me.

"i killed her, jungkook! i killed her!"