Later that night I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable lying next to Ymir.

i could go sleep on one of the armchairs in the office

she would definitely realize that something is wrong

it'll cause the least harm if i just stay here

but i can't sleep

i really can't

this is going to be the end of me

no it won't

ARE YOU SURE ??

y/n- you bounce back from everything

"Are you still awake?" Ymir murmured under her breath.

THAT SCARED ME

ERHM

SHOULD I PRETEND TO BE ??

"No?" She shifted around in bed.

i guess i have to pretend now

"It's going to be really fucking embarrassing for me if you're still awake so I hope you're sleeping."

about that

"I don't-" she stopped speaking as if listening to the sound of my breathing. "You're awake, aren't you?"

HOW DID SHE KNOW

"No need to keep pretending- I can tell."

what should i say

"I was trying to sleep," I grumbled, rolling over to face her.

that was a little mean

"Oh, I'm sorry for bothering you," a heavy silence fell between us once more.

you weren't

i'm sorry

i'm the one who's lying

"You-" her voice hitched in her throat, "you weren't really trying to sleep, were you?"

yeah

"I-"

"No need to explain. Hey Y/N?"

"Yes?"

"Did you not like our date?"

i did- i really did

but

would it make it easier if i said that i didn't?

"I liked it, I liked it a lot."

i'm too selfish of a person to push her away like that

"Oh good, I was worried that you were uncomfortable at the end- you kinda ran off on me."

"I told you I was tired."

"Tired enough to do work with Armin? I was thinking about a lot of things- it was helpful to have something to do."

a half truth

"I want you to- fuck-"

"You want me to what?" My eyes flew open.

"That sounded bad- that's not what I meant-" Ymir quickly backtracked. "I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about whatever's on your mind."

you're on my mind

"It's really nothing to worry about-"

"It is, to me anyway, you're worried about it so I want to help."

i wish i could

"I think I'm homesick."

"Oh."

"I lo- I like you and the crew a lot- I do."

"But?"

"But I miss home, I miss my friends, and my brother." I paused, "why can't I have both?"

i want both

i want to be greedy

that's so unfair to everyone around me

"You could, we could," Ymir rolled over, clasping my hands in hers.

they're rough

"You said so yourself, you agreed with me that it wouldn't work out."

it doesn't seem fair to either of us

and i'd rather watch something crash and burn in one go than sit here and-

sit here and watch as it slowly died

"It could-"

"Would it though? I'd only hold you back- the last thing I want is for you to start viewing me as an obligation."

i think i'd rather never see you again

"You wouldn't be."

"You don't seem too sure about that," I frowned, squeezing her hand. "That's fine, you have other commitments."

i don't want to beg to be included

"That doesn't mean that you can't be one of them."

but-

"Do you remember what you said Ymir?"

"What?"

"You told me that when the time came you wouldn't fight it, that you would let me go."

"That's not true anymore I-"

"Is it really? When I asked you about Historia you didn't hesitate to say that you would fight for her."

how am i supposed to believe you?

"Historia? Historia isn't you- it's different."

"I know it is, that's why we can't keep on doing this."

i feel sick

"Do you think I'm in love with Historia?" Ymir's voice rose, I couldn't help but feel suddenly conscious that the crew below deck could hear our argument.

i think you are

"I think you care about her more than you love me, and that's fine, it makes sense."

i'm not asking for more

"She's just a friend- don't be jealous."

that's a hard thing to ask

"That's why I didn't want you to know about this, I know that it's jealousy, I hate that it's jealousy but the point still stands-" I paused, my frown deepening. "Even if it's just jealousy- it has to come from somewhere."

the strength of my feelings is entirely irrational but

i'm not a fool

i know that there's something between ymir and historia that i don't have

"Y/N," her tone was laced with exasperation, "you don't have to be jealous, there's nothing going on between the two of us."

i want to punch you

"You have to understand how you sound right now, I can't help my feelings- the least you could do is accept them."

"Fine, I'll accept them, can we move on from this? I want to make the most of our time together."

"There you go again-" I sat up in bed, "I don't want to make the most of our time together, I want us to be together- but that isn't possible- you're too content with letting me go and I don't want to become a burden."

"Well what if I'm not?" Ymir was shouting at this point, "all of this about me not listening to you but you don't trust me enough to listen to anything I'm saying- maybe you're right maybe this won't work out."

"Fine then, let's leave it at that-"

"I'm not willing to stake my happiness on a maybe- maybe it won't work out but maybe it will- maybe if we talk about it we can build something-" she sneered at me, "but you're too busy throwing away any small chance at happiness to consider that- you're too busy reminding me that our worlds are different."

"That's-"

"Forget it- shame on me for wanting something- I don't know who hurt you but I'm willing to fight for a future instead of letting it die without even trying."

you-

"I'm leaving Ymir," I sat up in bed, gathering my belongings, "I'm leaving."

"Don't- it's dangerous, stay."

"No- I'm leaving- I can't be here," I reached for the door.

"I'll leave- you stay," I could hear her moving to stop me.

"That isn't going to happen, I'll come back when I'm ready, don't come after me."

"Stop it-"

"Goodbye," the door slammed shut behind me.  

__________________

yayyyy

- ami